Category Archives: Social / Emotional

The area of self-reliance dealing with our interactions with others and our ability to cope with the pressures of life.

Securing your base

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By now you all know I rather enjoy the site Art of Manliness, though frankly it could almost as easily be called the Art of Common Sense. There are certainly a lot of articles exploring “manliness” from all angles, but there is also a lot about basic preparedness and self-reliance.Take their recent article, Sunday Fireside: Secure Your Base.

Deriving supposedly from Carl Von Clausewitz’ “On War,” writers Brett and Kate McKay discuss what “securing your base” means in practical, civilian ways:

Securing your base means establishing a self-sustaining, shock-resistant “headquarters” that is well-defended against disruptions from external forces.

They list foundational concepts such as:

  • Good health
  • Financial independence (avoiding debt)
  • Mechanical skills
  • Domestic skills
  • Strong social relationships with family and friends
  • Firmness in beliefs

That last point I found most interesting, as it was the least predictable:

Finally, a secure base requires secure beliefs. While philosophic and political positions can and should evolve over time, they should not be so unexamined, so lacking in well-studied context, that every current of change knocks you into an incapacitating stupor of confusion and cognitive dissonance. You should know why you believe what you believe.

I suspect many of us are experiencing some of that confusion and cognitive dissonance these days amid the political and social turmoil in the United States and around the world. We are being simultaneously told that “Speech is violence,” and “Violence is speech” as valid, peaceful protests transform into destructive mobs inflicting significant property damage, cultural vandalism, and loss of life on the very people they claim to be supporting in their “protests.” The only way out of this mess as a society comes from people firm in their principles insisting on a better way forward than what we’re currently getting.

The purpose behind securing your base is best summarized by the authors, and I’ll close with this:

The purpose of creating this kind of personal garrison isn’t to passively retreat from the theater of life; rather, it is to create a fortification from which to better launch your offensive operations.

Life comes at you hard sometimes

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Our neighbors’ eleven-year-old daughter has cancer. I was going to say that I don’t know how they can handle it, but I know better. You do, because you must. You take it one step at a time, any way you can, because that’s what you do.

I recently came across an interview between Jordan B. Peterson and his daughter about his recent recovery from benzodiazepines and how he became dependent in the first place. It’s really a frightening story when you realize this was someone who stood to legitimately benefit from a drug prescribed by his doctor, but it went on a little too long until it was almost too late. It may still be. Life came at him hard, and what was supposed to help just made it exponentially harder.

In both cases there are support systems in place. Our neighbors have family and friends within range to help. They have us–we’ve been cultivating a relationship for years. They know we can and will gladly do anything within our power to make this easier on them. Peterson had a daughter and son-in-law willing to go to incredible lengths to get him help, who quite literally saved his life.

No one wants to need help. But that’s the problem with self-sufficiency. Everyone has their breaking point, where you just can’t cope any more, when doing the most basic of tasks seems pointless. It’s important to have friends, to have that network who care enough to step in and take care of whatever can be reasonably delegated so that you can focus on what’s most important, what only you can do.

No one wants to be a burden on others. On the other hand, people love to feel useful, to be needed, especially by those they care about. I was thrilled today when my neighbor approached me about taking care of something for them over the next couple of days while they’re seeing to their daughter. We have a chance to show them we care and how much they mean to us as neighbors.

This is the reason why I’ve always insisted that self-reliance does not mean becoming a hermit. Some of the greatest satisfaction in life comes from being useful in some way to others. I believe everyone has something to give that at the right time would mean the world to someone. It’s not where the rubber meets the road, but where people meet people that magic happens.

Asking the right questions

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Nick True at Mapped Out Money often has good budgeting and personal finance advice. This episode looks at the questions we ask ourselves regarding money and suggests maybe we’re asking the wrong things.

I find there’s a lot of value in what he says, especially in comparing yourself to others. My wife and I could drive ourselves crazy if we were to compare our grocery budget to others. We’re vegans, which tends to be more expensive for base ingredients, but we don’t eat out very often, mostly because of the expense. On a strict analysis that doesn’t make sense. If we’re really interested in saving money on food, why shell out for vegan food? Or, if we’re so interested in health, why not go even more expensive and buy everything organic? (That’s not why we’re vegan, but that’s another story for another time.) The answer lies with our values. We do value vegan living, and we also value saving money. This is the balance we’re comfortable with.

At the end of the day, if we don’t live in accordance with our values we’re going to be dissatisfied with whatever other choices we make. Granted, values can–and sometimes should–be changed. If your primary value is to live as large as possible regardless of income, then you’re headed for trouble and either need to to not disregard income so much or decide not to live so large. But on the whole, money needs to serve our needs and not the other way around.

Living in interesting times

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There is a curse of uncertain origin: “May you live in interesting times.” Well, it would appear we are cursed. Within the space of a few months we’ve experienced a pandemic with its accompanying challenges, Asian murder hornets, and now civil unrest and riots. And through it all we’ve experienced a constant social media barrage as seemingly everyone feels qualified and obligated to tell us what to do, what to think, and what to feel.

It’s difficult to not just turn off the light and go back to bed, to say nothing of meeting each day with a smile. There’s few things more annoying to me when I’m already stressed than to have everyone lecturing one another and looking to find fault. I prefer to make social media my “happy place,” but lately it’s been anything but.

The things is, my life isn’t that bad. Working from home isn’t as difficult as I’d feared. I’m still getting paid. I’ve got most of my family around me, and my distant daughter is safe. My wife and son kept their jobs throughout all this. We’ve been able to hold church at home. I don’t really care that much about going places–at least places that would now be off limits. Our house is comfortable, our yard is perking up nicely, and I have plenty of cute, furry things to pet when I need a little fur-therapy.

But even with all that some days it’s just been almost too much to bear. Even without everything going on right now life can still hit you hard on an off day. Now, there are people who deal with anxiety and depression, and I by no means imply they should be able to just snap out of it, or that anything I’m about to suggest should work for them. But for the rest of us, here are a few things I’ve found helps me cope.

Exercise – I realized at one point amid my home isolation I had let my exercise program slide. Even when I was doing it I wasn’t doing it for very long. So I changed things up, getting up a little earlier to make sure I was getting longer, regular activity. I also took advantage of my being home and my shared interest with my younger son to get outside every other afternoon for some basketball. Pretty soon I noticed two improvements. I was feeling better physically from improved health, and following through on my goal was boosting my general satisfaction with myself.

To Do Lists – This probably won’t work for everyone, but in my case the less I feel I accomplish the worse I feel about myself. I actually don’t like to-do lists, but I do like the feeling I get when I check off an item or when I review my accomplishments at the end of the week. The thing that surprised me was to find that the size of the task doesn’t matter so much. If it’s something you need to remember to do, put it on there–in fact, the smaller they are, the easier it is to do them, so if you have something big that can be broken down into smaller tasks (ie. getting stuff you need, prep-work, the actual job, cleanup, etc.), do it! You’ll have concrete proof of having done something, and it really helps.

Ditch the Downers – I have a love-hate relationship with social media. When the majority of my feed is positive I feel positive. But the more negativity that creeps in the more I feel myself absorbing it. And I hate unfriending people–my problem, I know. But recently I discovered that Facebook gives you the ability to “snooze” people for 30 days rather than unfriending or hiding them. I find it much easier to hit the “smite” button and say, “I don’t want to deal with you right now.” There may be other ways, including taking a break altogether. If you’re like me and you can’t help absorbing the negative energy, it’s okay to admit you just can’t handle it. You shouldn’t have to handle it. Most people wouldn’t come over to your house to act like that, so it’s okay to avoid them online if necessary. Take a break.

It’s Okay – Related to the previous point, I can really get on myself sometimes. I keep telling myself I have no reason to be feeling the way I feel, that other people don’t feel this way, and that I should just snap out it and move on. Sometimes I can do it, but sometimes I just can’t. And I’m slowly coming to realize that’s okay! It’s okay to feel what I’m feeling. It might be good to look more closely and see what might be behind it, but ultimately…it’s okay. Also, cut other people some slack. We all deal with things differently, and things that bother me won’t necessarily bother you–and vice versa. If I’m dealing with something, chances are you’re dealing with something too. It’s okay if you don’t handle it the way I would. I don’t need to be like you in how you handle things. People get angry, get stressed, get hard to live with. Let them. Give them some distance if you can’t handle it yourself, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Own how you feel and make a plan to move forward.

Pull a Scarlet O’Hara – Years ago when I was out of work for two years I would have the occasional meltdown. My poor wife couldn’t talk any sense into me, and I most certainly couldn’t talk myself out of it. I’d get caught in circular thinking and go down in flames. Eventually I started learning that some days I’d just have to surrender and go to bed early. Almost without fail things would look better the next day. A good night’s sleep can act as a reset button, clearing out the mental garbage you couldn’t get rid of the day before. Sometimes I’ve even found the admission that I just can’t handle it to be cleansing enough to turn things around.

Get Outside – During this pandemic that option hasn’t been available to everyone, but even just getting out for a while to walk the dog can be great. A change of scenery works wonders sometimes.

Well, that’s the extent of my wisdom. Just remember, free advice is worth every penny you pay for it! But hopefully something in here may just help. Everyone struggles from time to time. We’ll get through it sooner or later, but every little tool, every strategy helps.

What are some of your favorite coping strategies? Leave a comment!

Take care of your future self

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Ashley over at YouNeedABudget.com brought up an interesting motivational concept in her recent video. Citing someone else’s comic, she talks about doing things for our future self such as, if you know you need to do a video shoot in the morning, making sure your camera batteries are charged and your memory cards are wiped the night before so that’s one less thing to have to deal with in the morning. Take a look (no prior knowledge of YNAB required):

As I watched the video it occurred to me that this idea of taking care of your future self is at the heart of self-reliance. Building up some food storage and your savings is a terrific gift to your future self who is out of work for a few months, or laid up on temporary disability. Taking a few extra online classes in your field or exploring a related field may be just the thing to help future you really nail an opportunity at work. Always taking the time to make sure you keep your car’s tank at least half-filled will be greatly appreciated later when something comes up on the day you usually fill up and you have to go another day or two before you get another chance.

The essence of self-reliance is making sure your future self has very little to worry about. It can even start with the smaller things that Ashley mentions, but dealing with things now instead of later will definitely make future you want to thank you!

COVID Confusion

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I found this in our local monthly/marketing newspaper in a humor piece of things the author learned from social media during the COVID-19 quarantine:

In effort not to get sick we should eat well, but we should not go out to get healthy fresh food when we run out and eat whatever pre-packaged food we have on hand instead. However, we should order out at our local restaurants to help keep them in business. Then it’s okay to go out to pick up the food. Your food might be prepared by someone sick that doesn’t know they are sick, but that’s okay if you pay by credit card and take the food out of the container. However, you should avoid going to the grocery store at all costs because you might get sick.

Joani Taylor, “The Social Media Scandal – What I Learned During Quarantine”, Sandy City Journal

If there is anyone left out there who still believes there’s a perfect response to a pandemic, especially one where the details about the virus aren’t really known…well, they’re probably on social media telling the rest of us what we should be doing. I’ve been fortunate enough to live in a state that took a somewhat moderate approach, while managing to keep the death rate fairly low, but the nags and scolds have been everywhere all the same.

Sure, I get it. People are scared, and fear makes people thrash about desperately in search of some way to feel in control. For many people that means lecturing everyone else. But the rest of us, when faced with conflicting information, reach a point where we just have to decide for ourselves which advice we can keep and what risks we are willing to take. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned (or re-learned) from all of this:

  • Preparation buys time. We were not as prepared as we wish we’d been, but we still had at least several weeks worth of all essential items. Even though we weren’t sure how long our toilet paper supply would last, we had enough to hang in there until more started appearing. We didn’t need to panic, spend exorbitant amounts of money to secure the essentials, and could put off even shopping for groceries until things calmed down.
  • People don’t want or can’t handle fresh. When we did go shopping we had no trouble finding fresh fruits and vegetables. Do people just not buy the more perishable items in an emergency? It’s not like we were without power. Veggies keep for weeks in the fridge. Or do people just not know how to prepare fruits and vegetables anymore? Not that I’m complaining. We’ve been able to eat healthy while everyone else, from the look of the store shelves, are existing on flour, pasta and beans.
  • Savings are essential. I am one of the fortunate people who can work from home, even if it’s not my preferred way to work. But even I had been furloughed or laid off we would have had savings to get through this.
  • Flexibility and resilience help. When things like this happen we can sit back and complain over every inconvenience or difficulty, or we can relax, take a deep breath (or two or three), and deal with everything one step at a time. This is easier to do if you’re not worried about basic survival.
  • Cut everyone some slack, including yourself. I’ve had to continually remind myself that people are experiencing widely varying levels of stress right now. On the other hand, if there were people whose stress was causing me stress, I’m not obligated to keep absorbing their stress. There are some where I hit the “social media snooze button” so I wouldn’t have to deal with them until things calm down again. For the most part people have been keeping things on an even keel, and when they aren’t I would try to be kind and remember where they’re coming from.
  • Even introverts need people. While introverts across the world have been cheering about this being the moment they were born for, the truth is, introversion does not mean we don’t need anyone else. Introversion/Extroversion is more a matter of where we get our energy from. Extroverts get their energy from being with others. Introverts get theirs from being somewhat isolated and quiet. We can enjoy social interactions, and even get some energy from particularly enjoyable ones, but most drain energy from us, and sooner or later we need to get away and recharge. Being shut up at home hasn’t been particularly difficult for me, but after a couple weeks I found myself reaching out to people much more than I usually do. I miss the depth, breadth and variety of my normal interactions.
  • Focus on what you can do. This crisis quickly revealed where our family is not as prepared as we should be. The problem is that some of that just can’t–and perhaps shouldn’t–be fixed right now. We found we were least prepared in our supplies of paper products, baking supplies, and a few other food categories. And yet if we’ve learned anything about shortages, it’s that running out and stocking up just make things worse for everyone, so we’ve had to resist that urge. Instead, we identified some things we can procure right now, and we’ve focused on that. We have a much better water storage now, and we’re better prepared for the next power outage (and in our area, there will be one). I feel satisfaction and accomplishment at having done something useful, even if I can’t solve all of the problem just yet.
  • Have a plan for the rest. As I said above, there are some preparedness deficiencies we can’t fix yet. But I’ve learned from sad experience that if I don’t have a plan in place for when we get back to normal-enough I’ll likely forget to do anything at all. I can take this time now to at least come up with a plan so that I know the next steps to take once we can take them.
  • It’s difficult to be prepared for everything. I’ve been a homeowner for over twenty years. In this part of the world we have to be on guard against mice. Right before our state went into quarantine we discovered something entirely new: rats. Mice we could have dealt with. Nothing we had worked on rats. And even after some online research and a curbside pickup purchase it took a long time to figure out what would work.

I could probably go on, but I’m hearing too many heads hitting keyboards already, so I’l spare you. This quarantine experience has certainly given us a lot to think about, and a lot of time in which to think about it. Right now the biggest question we should all ask is, “What do I do about it?” What are we going to change as a result of our experiences? Set a goal, make a plan, and get it done.

Leadership skills for self-reliance

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I recently found an article titled “Leadership Skills Anyone Can Develop.” It outlines five traits of leaders:

  1. Take ownership of your life
  2. Be optimistic
  3. Be honest
  4. Measure results
  5. Believe God wants you to succeed

Simple ideas, though not necessarily easy to implement. Read more at the link.

Emotional self-reliance

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When most people think of self-reliance, when they think of it at all, they tend to think of emergency preparedness, homesteading, or living off the grid. True self-reliance, however, encompasses much more than just the external factors in our lives. It’s as much an internal state of being as an accumulation of physical resources.

This was reinforced for me by an article co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS on “4 Ways to Be Self Reliant.” I’ll probably revisit this article more than a few times; there’s a lot there, and it covers a lot of ground. The article begins, however, with emotional self-reliance, or avoiding relational dependency:

Although being in a committed, bonded relationship can enrich your life, feeling unable to function without another person could lead to a problem like Relational Dependency.[1] Relational Dependency is a progressive disorder, meaning that the relationship may start off healthy but one person becomes gradually more controlling of or dependent upon the other, which can lead to an unhealthy relationship. Furthermore, self-actualization is needed for personal growth and is thought to be an essential need that motivates our behavior.[2] In general, those who are independent and self-reliant typically survive and function better in society than those who are dependent on others for happiness and sustainability. Taking control of basic tasks and life skills will not only help you stay in control of your own life but will ultimately contribute to making you a happier person.

Some of the steps Griffin recommends:

  • Assume responsibility for your life: This I took as meaning taking control of the little things in daily life, such as cleaning up after yourself, paying your bills on time, getting to appointments on time, etc. It begins with the realization that no one else is responsible for your success or failure. It’s up to you to take care of yourself and your environment.
  • Be informed: “Information is power, so having information will give you the power to make your own decisions and assert your independence,” Griffin tells us. To do that she recommends a rounded approach to keeping up on what is going on in your neighborhood, your job, your town and so on, up to the level of world events. The more your know the more influence you can exert on the world around you.
  • Know where you are going: Decide what you want. Develop a plan. Break that plan down into goals. Seek guidance where needed. But if you don’t know where you’re going with your life the world will always step in to offer alternative options–most of which will not ultimately benefit you.
  • Make your own decisions: All of the above work together to help you make your own decisions–and make better decisions when you make them. It’s okay to consider the needs of others, or to seek their advice, but take the final responsibility for your decision and do what is best for you. Letting others make decisions for you is to give up your independence.

There is more–much more–to this article. I suggest you read the entire thing…or hang around. I’ll more than likely come back to it again.

Dealing with stress

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My brother has an excellent post on his site about dealing with stress:

“If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

I know I don’t deal with stress very well. I let things build until eventually it has to be released–and far too often not in very productive ways. That usually just adds to my stress, of course, because then I also have to patch up damaged relationships as well.

Ideally I will take some time to identify my primary stressor, and then deal with it. Often it’s some particular task or conversation that I’m avoiding. If I just push forward and get it over with I’m usually much happier. Unfortunately I need more practice at that.

How do you deal with stress? Drop a comment below, and then head over to my brother’s site and adds to the discussion there as well!

Be a good neighbor

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I read about this situation on the American Preppers Network site. A woman is growing an organic garden in her front yard and has run afoul of her HOA. I know I should be shocked, upset, outraged, etc., but you see, I’m the president of my HOA and have a different perspective.

HOA’s have rules, and everyone is supposed to receive a copy of those rules when they move in. They are responsible for reading and obeying the rules. The HOA is responsible for enforcing them. If you find the rules prohibitive, don’t buy a house there.

Now don’t get me wrong. My HOA is not nearly so restrictive. And I’m in the process of working to change the rules where they are. For example, when our neighborhood was built nearly twenty years ago they had rules against xeriscaping. Times have changed, and I think we need to allow xeric landscaping now.

But in changing the rules I have to consider all the angles. Let’s face it, some xeriscaping can look pretty trashy if not done correctly or maintained well. I don’t want someone saying “Hey, weeds are natural and drought-resistant. I’ll just let my yard go to weeds.” When we do change the rule we have to make a clear, enforceable standard about what we will accept.

I, obviously, am all in favor of self reliance and making your own property produce as much as you can. As HOA president I do my best to be supportive of that. I haven’t clamped down on the people who are keeping chickens, though the CC&Rs clearly forbid it, because they are out of sight, and are not causing a nuisance.

But at the same time, if you live in an HOA it’s your responsibility to know what the rules are and to live by them. If you don’t like the rules then let your HOA know. See if they can be changed. Work with your HOA to find ways to satisfy the rules (screening things with strategic landscaping can go a long way) and still make things work for you.

But in the end, if you can’t, perhaps you should move to someplace more accommodating of your lifestyle. If I were to decide that I needed to raise a few sheep as part of my self reliance program I wouldn’t dream of just getting them and waiting for the HOA to complain. It’s clearly against the rules. I would move someplace where it’s okay.

You see, I’ve seen the other side of things, too. We used to live in a neighborhood where there was no HOA. The duplex across the street was a rental, and the landlord lived in another town and didn’t care. The weeds and grass were seldom less than a foot high, and usually brown. Those weeds would blow seeds into our yard, and it was a constant battle to keep them out.

Down the street lived a man who kept his Vegas-style Christmas light display up and turned on year-round. Down the other way was a house where they hung a 6-foot inflatable pterodactyl from a tree branch hanging over the road. The last time I drove through the old neighborhood I saw they had also added a metal rocket as tall as the house to the front yard.

Certainly there are worse neighborhoods, but when people see that sort of thing they can be hesitant to move in. Would-be sellers have to drop their asking price to entice someone to buy, and the lower it goes the more likely the buyer will also be someone who doesn’t care about how their own property looks. Pretty soon property values in the entire neighborhood are dropping.

Yes, I’m probably venting a bit here. The attitudes expressed in the comments on the APN site were rather frustrating, and decidedly anti-HOA. I know some HOAs are over the top. But as the volunteer president of an HOA who continually feels caught between the “let it all rot” crowd and the “not one inch out of line” crowd, I see a definite need for balance–and for some external pressures to put in at least a minimal effort to keep one’s place looking acceptable.

So go ahead and use your land to the fullest, but please be aware of the rules and do your best to operate within them. You never know when you’ll need your neighbors. It’s best to be a good neighbor yourself. If more people would be, we wouldn’t need HOAs.