Tag Archives: independence

Emotional self-reliance

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When most people think of self-reliance, when they think of it at all, they tend to think of emergency preparedness, homesteading, or living off the grid. True self-reliance, however, encompasses much more than just the external factors in our lives. It’s as much an internal state of being as an accumulation of physical resources.

This was reinforced for me by an article co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS on “4 Ways to Be Self Reliant.” I’ll probably revisit this article more than a few times; there’s a lot there, and it covers a lot of ground. The article begins, however, with emotional self-reliance, or avoiding relational dependency:

Although being in a committed, bonded relationship can enrich your life, feeling unable to function without another person could lead to a problem like Relational Dependency.[1] Relational Dependency is a progressive disorder, meaning that the relationship may start off healthy but one person becomes gradually more controlling of or dependent upon the other, which can lead to an unhealthy relationship. Furthermore, self-actualization is needed for personal growth and is thought to be an essential need that motivates our behavior.[2] In general, those who are independent and self-reliant typically survive and function better in society than those who are dependent on others for happiness and sustainability. Taking control of basic tasks and life skills will not only help you stay in control of your own life but will ultimately contribute to making you a happier person.

Some of the steps Griffin recommends:

  • Assume responsibility for your life: This I took as meaning taking control of the little things in daily life, such as cleaning up after yourself, paying your bills on time, getting to appointments on time, etc. It begins with the realization that no one else is responsible for your success or failure. It’s up to you to take care of yourself and your environment.
  • Be informed: “Information is power, so having information will give you the power to make your own decisions and assert your independence,” Griffin tells us. To do that she recommends a rounded approach to keeping up on what is going on in your neighborhood, your job, your town and so on, up to the level of world events. The more your know the more influence you can exert on the world around you.
  • Know where you are going: Decide what you want. Develop a plan. Break that plan down into goals. Seek guidance where needed. But if you don’t know where you’re going with your life the world will always step in to offer alternative options–most of which will not ultimately benefit you.
  • Make your own decisions: All of the above work together to help you make your own decisions–and make better decisions when you make them. It’s okay to consider the needs of others, or to seek their advice, but take the final responsibility for your decision and do what is best for you. Letting others make decisions for you is to give up your independence.

There is more–much more–to this article. I suggest you read the entire thing…or hang around. I’ll more than likely come back to it again.

What self-reliance is not

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Though I am still researching what I believe self-reliance to include, there is one thing I am certain it is not: complete independence of all other human beings. I will never advocate that anyone become a hermit or a nomad. That would be missing the point. Self-reliance is not to live so that you need nothing from anyone else.

One of the great human developments has been specialization. The ability for a person to increase their skill in one area at the expense of many other potential skills raised productivity considerably. The become completely independent of anyone else would be a step backward, both productively and socially.

Indeed, Thoreau’s experiment in simple living came at a cost. He had no one out there living with him on Walden Pond, no one dependent on him for survival. He had no wife, no children. As a husband and a father I have to declare that if “enlightenment” depends on remaining single and childless, then I don’t particularly care for any, thank you. In fact, I would argue that one cannot become completely enlightened and miss out on the opportunity to share one’s life with another human being at the level of intimacy a family affords.

That a family could still live the Walden lifestyle and be both healthy and happy I do not dispute. But Thoreau would have had to devote much more time to sustaining life than he had to when it was just him. He would have had much less time to devote to mediation and philosophizing. Yet I think he would still have found wisdom and enlightenment in the selfless endeavor of sacrificing for one’s family.

But my point is this: self-reliance is to be able to minimize the degree to which you must intrude on others for support. It is not to never need anyone else. If a person becomes sufficiently skilled in a trade or craft to be able to provide himself and his family the essentials of life, even if he must sell or trade his labor to another in order to do so, he is self-sufficient in that area. He need not know how, on top of everything else, to birth a calf so long as he has a skill that he can market to a rancher or farmer in exchange for meat.

A person need not be so emotionally independent that he never need take a problem to a friend. Rather they just need to have the emotional maturity to recognize good advice from a friend and know how to take it to heart. No one need be some socially self-reliant that their own company is all they ever need. They just need to know how to get along well with others to the point that they never lack for companionship and interaction when they need it.

It if fortunate for all of us that true self-reliance does not require that we go put ourselves to the test by living by ourselves from the solitary industry of our own hands for several years. For most of us, that would either put self-reliance out of reach, or require us to seriously damage the relationships that sustain us while we push others out of our life for a period of time.

No, true self-reliance is much more connected–and hence rewarding. It is being an active, engaged member of a larger world while at the same time asking no more of it than is fair and reasonable. No Walden Ponds required.