Category Archives: Abundance Mentality

An element of Social / Emotional self reliance driving our perspective of human interaction, in which cooperation and collaboration replace competition.

Life comes at you hard sometimes

Posted on by

Our neighbors’ eleven-year-old daughter has cancer. I was going to say that I don’t know how they can handle it, but I know better. You do, because you must. You take it one step at a time, any way you can, because that’s what you do.

I recently came across an interview between Jordan B. Peterson and his daughter about his recent recovery from benzodiazepines and how he became dependent in the first place. It’s really a frightening story when you realize this was someone who stood to legitimately benefit from a drug prescribed by his doctor, but it went on a little too long until it was almost too late. It may still be. Life came at him hard, and what was supposed to help just made it exponentially harder.

In both cases there are support systems in place. Our neighbors have family and friends within range to help. They have us–we’ve been cultivating a relationship for years. They know we can and will gladly do anything within our power to make this easier on them. Peterson had a daughter and son-in-law willing to go to incredible lengths to get him help, who quite literally saved his life.

No one wants to need help. But that’s the problem with self-sufficiency. Everyone has their breaking point, where you just can’t cope any more, when doing the most basic of tasks seems pointless. It’s important to have friends, to have that network who care enough to step in and take care of whatever can be reasonably delegated so that you can focus on what’s most important, what only you can do.

No one wants to be a burden on others. On the other hand, people love to feel useful, to be needed, especially by those they care about. I was thrilled today when my neighbor approached me about taking care of something for them over the next couple of days while they’re seeing to their daughter. We have a chance to show them we care and how much they mean to us as neighbors.

This is the reason why I’ve always insisted that self-reliance does not mean becoming a hermit. Some of the greatest satisfaction in life comes from being useful in some way to others. I believe everyone has something to give that at the right time would mean the world to someone. It’s not where the rubber meets the road, but where people meet people that magic happens.

Living in interesting times

Posted on by

There is a curse of uncertain origin: “May you live in interesting times.” Well, it would appear we are cursed. Within the space of a few months we’ve experienced a pandemic with its accompanying challenges, Asian murder hornets, and now civil unrest and riots. And through it all we’ve experienced a constant social media barrage as seemingly everyone feels qualified and obligated to tell us what to do, what to think, and what to feel.

It’s difficult to not just turn off the light and go back to bed, to say nothing of meeting each day with a smile. There’s few things more annoying to me when I’m already stressed than to have everyone lecturing one another and looking to find fault. I prefer to make social media my “happy place,” but lately it’s been anything but.

The things is, my life isn’t that bad. Working from home isn’t as difficult as I’d feared. I’m still getting paid. I’ve got most of my family around me, and my distant daughter is safe. My wife and son kept their jobs throughout all this. We’ve been able to hold church at home. I don’t really care that much about going places–at least places that would now be off limits. Our house is comfortable, our yard is perking up nicely, and I have plenty of cute, furry things to pet when I need a little fur-therapy.

But even with all that some days it’s just been almost too much to bear. Even without everything going on right now life can still hit you hard on an off day. Now, there are people who deal with anxiety and depression, and I by no means imply they should be able to just snap out of it, or that anything I’m about to suggest should work for them. But for the rest of us, here are a few things I’ve found helps me cope.

Exercise – I realized at one point amid my home isolation I had let my exercise program slide. Even when I was doing it I wasn’t doing it for very long. So I changed things up, getting up a little earlier to make sure I was getting longer, regular activity. I also took advantage of my being home and my shared interest with my younger son to get outside every other afternoon for some basketball. Pretty soon I noticed two improvements. I was feeling better physically from improved health, and following through on my goal was boosting my general satisfaction with myself.

To Do Lists – This probably won’t work for everyone, but in my case the less I feel I accomplish the worse I feel about myself. I actually don’t like to-do lists, but I do like the feeling I get when I check off an item or when I review my accomplishments at the end of the week. The thing that surprised me was to find that the size of the task doesn’t matter so much. If it’s something you need to remember to do, put it on there–in fact, the smaller they are, the easier it is to do them, so if you have something big that can be broken down into smaller tasks (ie. getting stuff you need, prep-work, the actual job, cleanup, etc.), do it! You’ll have concrete proof of having done something, and it really helps.

Ditch the Downers – I have a love-hate relationship with social media. When the majority of my feed is positive I feel positive. But the more negativity that creeps in the more I feel myself absorbing it. And I hate unfriending people–my problem, I know. But recently I discovered that Facebook gives you the ability to “snooze” people for 30 days rather than unfriending or hiding them. I find it much easier to hit the “smite” button and say, “I don’t want to deal with you right now.” There may be other ways, including taking a break altogether. If you’re like me and you can’t help absorbing the negative energy, it’s okay to admit you just can’t handle it. You shouldn’t have to handle it. Most people wouldn’t come over to your house to act like that, so it’s okay to avoid them online if necessary. Take a break.

It’s Okay – Related to the previous point, I can really get on myself sometimes. I keep telling myself I have no reason to be feeling the way I feel, that other people don’t feel this way, and that I should just snap out it and move on. Sometimes I can do it, but sometimes I just can’t. And I’m slowly coming to realize that’s okay! It’s okay to feel what I’m feeling. It might be good to look more closely and see what might be behind it, but ultimately…it’s okay. Also, cut other people some slack. We all deal with things differently, and things that bother me won’t necessarily bother you–and vice versa. If I’m dealing with something, chances are you’re dealing with something too. It’s okay if you don’t handle it the way I would. I don’t need to be like you in how you handle things. People get angry, get stressed, get hard to live with. Let them. Give them some distance if you can’t handle it yourself, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Own how you feel and make a plan to move forward.

Pull a Scarlet O’Hara – Years ago when I was out of work for two years I would have the occasional meltdown. My poor wife couldn’t talk any sense into me, and I most certainly couldn’t talk myself out of it. I’d get caught in circular thinking and go down in flames. Eventually I started learning that some days I’d just have to surrender and go to bed early. Almost without fail things would look better the next day. A good night’s sleep can act as a reset button, clearing out the mental garbage you couldn’t get rid of the day before. Sometimes I’ve even found the admission that I just can’t handle it to be cleansing enough to turn things around.

Get Outside – During this pandemic that option hasn’t been available to everyone, but even just getting out for a while to walk the dog can be great. A change of scenery works wonders sometimes.

Well, that’s the extent of my wisdom. Just remember, free advice is worth every penny you pay for it! But hopefully something in here may just help. Everyone struggles from time to time. We’ll get through it sooner or later, but every little tool, every strategy helps.

What are some of your favorite coping strategies? Leave a comment!

Take care of your future self

Posted on by

Ashley over at YouNeedABudget.com brought up an interesting motivational concept in her recent video. Citing someone else’s comic, she talks about doing things for our future self such as, if you know you need to do a video shoot in the morning, making sure your camera batteries are charged and your memory cards are wiped the night before so that’s one less thing to have to deal with in the morning. Take a look (no prior knowledge of YNAB required):

As I watched the video it occurred to me that this idea of taking care of your future self is at the heart of self-reliance. Building up some food storage and your savings is a terrific gift to your future self who is out of work for a few months, or laid up on temporary disability. Taking a few extra online classes in your field or exploring a related field may be just the thing to help future you really nail an opportunity at work. Always taking the time to make sure you keep your car’s tank at least half-filled will be greatly appreciated later when something comes up on the day you usually fill up and you have to go another day or two before you get another chance.

The essence of self-reliance is making sure your future self has very little to worry about. It can even start with the smaller things that Ashley mentions, but dealing with things now instead of later will definitely make future you want to thank you!

Leadership skills for self-reliance

Posted on by

I recently found an article titled “Leadership Skills Anyone Can Develop.” It outlines five traits of leaders:

  1. Take ownership of your life
  2. Be optimistic
  3. Be honest
  4. Measure results
  5. Believe God wants you to succeed

Simple ideas, though not necessarily easy to implement. Read more at the link.

The Wisdom of Crowds

Posted on by

I mentioned before that I’m beginning a new business venture with some friends. Though certainly there are drawbacks to going into business with others, there are also some advantages. One of the biggest is the law of averages. On any given day one of us is bound to be panicked just a bit, but the other are able to keep us on an even keel. Without others to watch my back I’d probably have thrown my hands in the air and walked away a long time ago. Starting a business is stressful.

I believe it’s important to choose business partners you get along with and can have fun with. More importantly, however, you should be able to communicate. Every partner needs to feel valued and respected. If one partner is afraid to speak up you could be missing some valuable insights and ideas. At the same time, unless everyone can really handle it, it’s best to avoid a no-holds-barred, speak-whatever-enters-your-mind type situation as well. Group dynamics are important, but I suspect most groups fail to take the time to really build a cohesive group.

It’s easy to assume that because we’re all adults we should all be able to get along. But really, “adult” is such a broad category, that’s even less useful than saying all white people behave alike or all cats do such-n-such. People do not behave or think the way we think they do. We really only have ourselves to judge by, and chances are there are few people who think just the same way we do. And perhaps if you do find such a person, you should not go into business with them. You’ll both fail to see the same pitfalls.

We’ve probably all heard at one time or another about the four phases of group development: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing. There is no guarantee a group will ever get past Forming or Storming, really. With a group of friends they may never even realize that there is any storming going on, let alone really do anything to move beyond it. It’s too easy to take one another for granted.

I’m not sure where this is going, other than to emphasize the importance of social self reliance. We really do need to know how to get along with people if we are to succeed in life. It’s not the easiest ability to develop, but it can be critical in so many different situations. Unless, of course, you’re a hermit, which is not the brand of self reliance we preach here. 😉

Self reliance, humility, and charity

Posted on by

As I’ve said before, I don’t think some people’s idea of self reliance can be achieved. I don’t think we will ever get to the point where we don’t need anyone else for anything. There are people who do it, to be sure, but I don’t think that’s really a goal for most of us. I have no intention of becoming a hermit just to be able to say I am completely self reliant.

There is another down side to taking self reliance too far. I believe the common term for this is “pride”. Knowing you should be able to do everything by and for yourself does not automatically bestow the ability to do everything yourself. At some point every one of us may and will need help. We will likely need to go ask for that help, no matter how hard that may be for us.

Asking for help can be easier when we have something to offer the other person in return. It’s another matter entirely when we have nothing the other person needs and it is unlikely we ever will. At that point we have little option but to rely on that person’s kindness. And that can be a very difficult thing to do, especially when you have been working toward, and perhaps even priding yourself on, self reliance. It can be so difficult that some people would rather just do without rather than ask for help, regardless of the consequences.

That is the point where self reliance becomes dangerous. When we sell ourselves so much on an ideal that we refuse to accept reality, we run a great risk.

Humility is the only antidote. We must realize that we cannot do everything ourselves. We can come close to that, but we have our limits. I can’t perform brain surgery on myself. I can’t rebuild an engine, even assuming I had the parts. I can’t control the weather. There will always be some aspect of my life that is beyond my control.

At some point we will need the help of someone else, or we will fail. Humility is what helps us put survival ahead of pride. It’s what helps us ask the help of someone who has no obligation to help us. And, incidentally, it is what will move that person to help you.

Just because you may not have anything to offer that person does not mean they are not aware of their own shortcomings. They may very well realize that they will likely need someone else’s help some day, even if that person has no need of help in return. A truly humble person recognizes their own faults and weaknesses. They will help someone simply because that person needs the help, not because it will bring them any direct reward, but because they know they may need help someday, too. They will help because they are hoping that is what the person they will need help from will do.

I’m not sure where this post comes from or where it’s going–or if I’m even making sense. I suppose it comes from the fact that even though I have a goal of self reliance, I’m still not making the progress I wish I were. I could very well be asking help from people who I can do very little for. It will not be easy. But I will need to do it all the same. Sometimes one needs to be more reliant before you can become self reliant, perhaps.

Self reliance vs. fostering self reliance in others

Posted on by

Tonight I was reminded again that self reliance, while a worthy goal, is sometimes at cross purposes with other values I hold to. As a Christian, I also believe in looking out for my fellow man. While I do not believe in just giving a man a fish, I sometimes may need to allow a man to fish in my pond. Allow me to explain.

There is a person in our church who supports his family by cleaning buildings, mowing lawns, painting houses, and any other odd jobs he can find. He works hard–a lot harder than I do, most likely. He knows how to fish, so to speak, but then so do I. Very little of what he does is something that I can’t do for myself.

Self reliance says I should hold on to my money by doing those tasks myself. My Christian values say I should reward this man’s industriousness by paying him to do some work for me, at least now and then. Which one wins when my values clash in such a manner? Which one should win?

Right now it’s not an issue. I don’t have the money to pay him, because I am still struggling to support my family. My business, while showing some signs of progress, is not yet putting our bank balance on a positive trajectory. But someday I will have enough money to meet my family’s needs and perhaps some to spare. At what point do I decide that while I can take care of my lawn myself, it is my Christian duty to give this man the opportunity to do it for me and thus allow him to take care of his family?

Technically, self reliance doesn’t mean you  have to do everything for yourself, you just need to know how to do as much yourself as makes sense. Should I ever fall on hard times again I’m pretty sure I won’t have forgotten how to mow my own lawn. I doubt I’ll have thrown away my mower. But since my my desire to please my God is more important to me than my self reliance, I suspect I need to be taking a careful look at my finances as my business becomes more and more successful. At some point I will need to switch over from securing my own self reliance to helping others achieve it for themselves.