Category Archives: Emotional Awareness

An element of Social / Emotional self-reliance covering our ability to understand ourselves and our emotions, and how to handle them productively.

Living in interesting times

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There is a curse of uncertain origin: “May you live in interesting times.” Well, it would appear we are cursed. Within the space of a few months we’ve experienced a pandemic with its accompanying challenges, Asian murder hornets, and now civil unrest and riots. And through it all we’ve experienced a constant social media barrage as seemingly everyone feels qualified and obligated to tell us what to do, what to think, and what to feel.

It’s difficult to not just turn off the light and go back to bed, to say nothing of meeting each day with a smile. There’s few things more annoying to me when I’m already stressed than to have everyone lecturing one another and looking to find fault. I prefer to make social media my “happy place,” but lately it’s been anything but.

The things is, my life isn’t that bad. Working from home isn’t as difficult as I’d feared. I’m still getting paid. I’ve got most of my family around me, and my distant daughter is safe. My wife and son kept their jobs throughout all this. We’ve been able to hold church at home. I don’t really care that much about going places–at least places that would now be off limits. Our house is comfortable, our yard is perking up nicely, and I have plenty of cute, furry things to pet when I need a little fur-therapy.

But even with all that some days it’s just been almost too much to bear. Even without everything going on right now life can still hit you hard on an off day. Now, there are people who deal with anxiety and depression, and I by no means imply they should be able to just snap out of it, or that anything I’m about to suggest should work for them. But for the rest of us, here are a few things I’ve found helps me cope.

Exercise – I realized at one point amid my home isolation I had let my exercise program slide. Even when I was doing it I wasn’t doing it for very long. So I changed things up, getting up a little earlier to make sure I was getting longer, regular activity. I also took advantage of my being home and my shared interest with my younger son to get outside every other afternoon for some basketball. Pretty soon I noticed two improvements. I was feeling better physically from improved health, and following through on my goal was boosting my general satisfaction with myself.

To Do Lists – This probably won’t work for everyone, but in my case the less I feel I accomplish the worse I feel about myself. I actually don’t like to-do lists, but I do like the feeling I get when I check off an item or when I review my accomplishments at the end of the week. The thing that surprised me was to find that the size of the task doesn’t matter so much. If it’s something you need to remember to do, put it on there–in fact, the smaller they are, the easier it is to do them, so if you have something big that can be broken down into smaller tasks (ie. getting stuff you need, prep-work, the actual job, cleanup, etc.), do it! You’ll have concrete proof of having done something, and it really helps.

Ditch the Downers – I have a love-hate relationship with social media. When the majority of my feed is positive I feel positive. But the more negativity that creeps in the more I feel myself absorbing it. And I hate unfriending people–my problem, I know. But recently I discovered that Facebook gives you the ability to “snooze” people for 30 days rather than unfriending or hiding them. I find it much easier to hit the “smite” button and say, “I don’t want to deal with you right now.” There may be other ways, including taking a break altogether. If you’re like me and you can’t help absorbing the negative energy, it’s okay to admit you just can’t handle it. You shouldn’t have to handle it. Most people wouldn’t come over to your house to act like that, so it’s okay to avoid them online if necessary. Take a break.

It’s Okay – Related to the previous point, I can really get on myself sometimes. I keep telling myself I have no reason to be feeling the way I feel, that other people don’t feel this way, and that I should just snap out it and move on. Sometimes I can do it, but sometimes I just can’t. And I’m slowly coming to realize that’s okay! It’s okay to feel what I’m feeling. It might be good to look more closely and see what might be behind it, but ultimately…it’s okay. Also, cut other people some slack. We all deal with things differently, and things that bother me won’t necessarily bother you–and vice versa. If I’m dealing with something, chances are you’re dealing with something too. It’s okay if you don’t handle it the way I would. I don’t need to be like you in how you handle things. People get angry, get stressed, get hard to live with. Let them. Give them some distance if you can’t handle it yourself, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Own how you feel and make a plan to move forward.

Pull a Scarlet O’Hara – Years ago when I was out of work for two years I would have the occasional meltdown. My poor wife couldn’t talk any sense into me, and I most certainly couldn’t talk myself out of it. I’d get caught in circular thinking and go down in flames. Eventually I started learning that some days I’d just have to surrender and go to bed early. Almost without fail things would look better the next day. A good night’s sleep can act as a reset button, clearing out the mental garbage you couldn’t get rid of the day before. Sometimes I’ve even found the admission that I just can’t handle it to be cleansing enough to turn things around.

Get Outside – During this pandemic that option hasn’t been available to everyone, but even just getting out for a while to walk the dog can be great. A change of scenery works wonders sometimes.

Well, that’s the extent of my wisdom. Just remember, free advice is worth every penny you pay for it! But hopefully something in here may just help. Everyone struggles from time to time. We’ll get through it sooner or later, but every little tool, every strategy helps.

What are some of your favorite coping strategies? Leave a comment!

COVID Confusion

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I found this in our local monthly/marketing newspaper in a humor piece of things the author learned from social media during the COVID-19 quarantine:

In effort not to get sick we should eat well, but we should not go out to get healthy fresh food when we run out and eat whatever pre-packaged food we have on hand instead. However, we should order out at our local restaurants to help keep them in business. Then it’s okay to go out to pick up the food. Your food might be prepared by someone sick that doesn’t know they are sick, but that’s okay if you pay by credit card and take the food out of the container. However, you should avoid going to the grocery store at all costs because you might get sick.

Joani Taylor, “The Social Media Scandal – What I Learned During Quarantine”, Sandy City Journal

If there is anyone left out there who still believes there’s a perfect response to a pandemic, especially one where the details about the virus aren’t really known…well, they’re probably on social media telling the rest of us what we should be doing. I’ve been fortunate enough to live in a state that took a somewhat moderate approach, while managing to keep the death rate fairly low, but the nags and scolds have been everywhere all the same.

Sure, I get it. People are scared, and fear makes people thrash about desperately in search of some way to feel in control. For many people that means lecturing everyone else. But the rest of us, when faced with conflicting information, reach a point where we just have to decide for ourselves which advice we can keep and what risks we are willing to take. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned (or re-learned) from all of this:

  • Preparation buys time. We were not as prepared as we wish we’d been, but we still had at least several weeks worth of all essential items. Even though we weren’t sure how long our toilet paper supply would last, we had enough to hang in there until more started appearing. We didn’t need to panic, spend exorbitant amounts of money to secure the essentials, and could put off even shopping for groceries until things calmed down.
  • People don’t want or can’t handle fresh. When we did go shopping we had no trouble finding fresh fruits and vegetables. Do people just not buy the more perishable items in an emergency? It’s not like we were without power. Veggies keep for weeks in the fridge. Or do people just not know how to prepare fruits and vegetables anymore? Not that I’m complaining. We’ve been able to eat healthy while everyone else, from the look of the store shelves, are existing on flour, pasta and beans.
  • Savings are essential. I am one of the fortunate people who can work from home, even if it’s not my preferred way to work. But even I had been furloughed or laid off we would have had savings to get through this.
  • Flexibility and resilience help. When things like this happen we can sit back and complain over every inconvenience or difficulty, or we can relax, take a deep breath (or two or three), and deal with everything one step at a time. This is easier to do if you’re not worried about basic survival.
  • Cut everyone some slack, including yourself. I’ve had to continually remind myself that people are experiencing widely varying levels of stress right now. On the other hand, if there were people whose stress was causing me stress, I’m not obligated to keep absorbing their stress. There are some where I hit the “social media snooze button” so I wouldn’t have to deal with them until things calm down again. For the most part people have been keeping things on an even keel, and when they aren’t I would try to be kind and remember where they’re coming from.
  • Even introverts need people. While introverts across the world have been cheering about this being the moment they were born for, the truth is, introversion does not mean we don’t need anyone else. Introversion/Extroversion is more a matter of where we get our energy from. Extroverts get their energy from being with others. Introverts get theirs from being somewhat isolated and quiet. We can enjoy social interactions, and even get some energy from particularly enjoyable ones, but most drain energy from us, and sooner or later we need to get away and recharge. Being shut up at home hasn’t been particularly difficult for me, but after a couple weeks I found myself reaching out to people much more than I usually do. I miss the depth, breadth and variety of my normal interactions.
  • Focus on what you can do. This crisis quickly revealed where our family is not as prepared as we should be. The problem is that some of that just can’t–and perhaps shouldn’t–be fixed right now. We found we were least prepared in our supplies of paper products, baking supplies, and a few other food categories. And yet if we’ve learned anything about shortages, it’s that running out and stocking up just make things worse for everyone, so we’ve had to resist that urge. Instead, we identified some things we can procure right now, and we’ve focused on that. We have a much better water storage now, and we’re better prepared for the next power outage (and in our area, there will be one). I feel satisfaction and accomplishment at having done something useful, even if I can’t solve all of the problem just yet.
  • Have a plan for the rest. As I said above, there are some preparedness deficiencies we can’t fix yet. But I’ve learned from sad experience that if I don’t have a plan in place for when we get back to normal-enough I’ll likely forget to do anything at all. I can take this time now to at least come up with a plan so that I know the next steps to take once we can take them.
  • It’s difficult to be prepared for everything. I’ve been a homeowner for over twenty years. In this part of the world we have to be on guard against mice. Right before our state went into quarantine we discovered something entirely new: rats. Mice we could have dealt with. Nothing we had worked on rats. And even after some online research and a curbside pickup purchase it took a long time to figure out what would work.

I could probably go on, but I’m hearing too many heads hitting keyboards already, so I’l spare you. This quarantine experience has certainly given us a lot to think about, and a lot of time in which to think about it. Right now the biggest question we should all ask is, “What do I do about it?” What are we going to change as a result of our experiences? Set a goal, make a plan, and get it done.

Leadership skills for self-reliance

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I recently found an article titled “Leadership Skills Anyone Can Develop.” It outlines five traits of leaders:

  1. Take ownership of your life
  2. Be optimistic
  3. Be honest
  4. Measure results
  5. Believe God wants you to succeed

Simple ideas, though not necessarily easy to implement. Read more at the link.

Emotional self-reliance

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When most people think of self-reliance, when they think of it at all, they tend to think of emergency preparedness, homesteading, or living off the grid. True self-reliance, however, encompasses much more than just the external factors in our lives. It’s as much an internal state of being as an accumulation of physical resources.

This was reinforced for me by an article co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS on “4 Ways to Be Self Reliant.” I’ll probably revisit this article more than a few times; there’s a lot there, and it covers a lot of ground. The article begins, however, with emotional self-reliance, or avoiding relational dependency:

Although being in a committed, bonded relationship can enrich your life, feeling unable to function without another person could lead to a problem like Relational Dependency.[1] Relational Dependency is a progressive disorder, meaning that the relationship may start off healthy but one person becomes gradually more controlling of or dependent upon the other, which can lead to an unhealthy relationship. Furthermore, self-actualization is needed for personal growth and is thought to be an essential need that motivates our behavior.[2] In general, those who are independent and self-reliant typically survive and function better in society than those who are dependent on others for happiness and sustainability. Taking control of basic tasks and life skills will not only help you stay in control of your own life but will ultimately contribute to making you a happier person.

Some of the steps Griffin recommends:

  • Assume responsibility for your life: This I took as meaning taking control of the little things in daily life, such as cleaning up after yourself, paying your bills on time, getting to appointments on time, etc. It begins with the realization that no one else is responsible for your success or failure. It’s up to you to take care of yourself and your environment.
  • Be informed: “Information is power, so having information will give you the power to make your own decisions and assert your independence,” Griffin tells us. To do that she recommends a rounded approach to keeping up on what is going on in your neighborhood, your job, your town and so on, up to the level of world events. The more your know the more influence you can exert on the world around you.
  • Know where you are going: Decide what you want. Develop a plan. Break that plan down into goals. Seek guidance where needed. But if you don’t know where you’re going with your life the world will always step in to offer alternative options–most of which will not ultimately benefit you.
  • Make your own decisions: All of the above work together to help you make your own decisions–and make better decisions when you make them. It’s okay to consider the needs of others, or to seek their advice, but take the final responsibility for your decision and do what is best for you. Letting others make decisions for you is to give up your independence.

There is more–much more–to this article. I suggest you read the entire thing…or hang around. I’ll more than likely come back to it again.

Dealing with stress

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My brother has an excellent post on his site about dealing with stress:

“If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

I know I don’t deal with stress very well. I let things build until eventually it has to be released–and far too often not in very productive ways. That usually just adds to my stress, of course, because then I also have to patch up damaged relationships as well.

Ideally I will take some time to identify my primary stressor, and then deal with it. Often it’s some particular task or conversation that I’m avoiding. If I just push forward and get it over with I’m usually much happier. Unfortunately I need more practice at that.

How do you deal with stress? Drop a comment below, and then head over to my brother’s site and adds to the discussion there as well!

The Wisdom of Crowds

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I mentioned before that I’m beginning a new business venture with some friends. Though certainly there are drawbacks to going into business with others, there are also some advantages. One of the biggest is the law of averages. On any given day one of us is bound to be panicked just a bit, but the other are able to keep us on an even keel. Without others to watch my back I’d probably have thrown my hands in the air and walked away a long time ago. Starting a business is stressful.

I believe it’s important to choose business partners you get along with and can have fun with. More importantly, however, you should be able to communicate. Every partner needs to feel valued and respected. If one partner is afraid to speak up you could be missing some valuable insights and ideas. At the same time, unless everyone can really handle it, it’s best to avoid a no-holds-barred, speak-whatever-enters-your-mind type situation as well. Group dynamics are important, but I suspect most groups fail to take the time to really build a cohesive group.

It’s easy to assume that because we’re all adults we should all be able to get along. But really, “adult” is such a broad category, that’s even less useful than saying all white people behave alike or all cats do such-n-such. People do not behave or think the way we think they do. We really only have ourselves to judge by, and chances are there are few people who think just the same way we do. And perhaps if you do find such a person, you should not go into business with them. You’ll both fail to see the same pitfalls.

We’ve probably all heard at one time or another about the four phases of group development: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing. There is no guarantee a group will ever get past Forming or Storming, really. With a group of friends they may never even realize that there is any storming going on, let alone really do anything to move beyond it. It’s too easy to take one another for granted.

I’m not sure where this is going, other than to emphasize the importance of social self reliance. We really do need to know how to get along with people if we are to succeed in life. It’s not the easiest ability to develop, but it can be critical in so many different situations. Unless, of course, you’re a hermit, which is not the brand of self reliance we preach here. 😉

Self reliance, humility, and charity

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As I’ve said before, I don’t think some people’s idea of self reliance can be achieved. I don’t think we will ever get to the point where we don’t need anyone else for anything. There are people who do it, to be sure, but I don’t think that’s really a goal for most of us. I have no intention of becoming a hermit just to be able to say I am completely self reliant.

There is another down side to taking self reliance too far. I believe the common term for this is “pride”. Knowing you should be able to do everything by and for yourself does not automatically bestow the ability to do everything yourself. At some point every one of us may and will need help. We will likely need to go ask for that help, no matter how hard that may be for us.

Asking for help can be easier when we have something to offer the other person in return. It’s another matter entirely when we have nothing the other person needs and it is unlikely we ever will. At that point we have little option but to rely on that person’s kindness. And that can be a very difficult thing to do, especially when you have been working toward, and perhaps even priding yourself on, self reliance. It can be so difficult that some people would rather just do without rather than ask for help, regardless of the consequences.

That is the point where self reliance becomes dangerous. When we sell ourselves so much on an ideal that we refuse to accept reality, we run a great risk.

Humility is the only antidote. We must realize that we cannot do everything ourselves. We can come close to that, but we have our limits. I can’t perform brain surgery on myself. I can’t rebuild an engine, even assuming I had the parts. I can’t control the weather. There will always be some aspect of my life that is beyond my control.

At some point we will need the help of someone else, or we will fail. Humility is what helps us put survival ahead of pride. It’s what helps us ask the help of someone who has no obligation to help us. And, incidentally, it is what will move that person to help you.

Just because you may not have anything to offer that person does not mean they are not aware of their own shortcomings. They may very well realize that they will likely need someone else’s help some day, even if that person has no need of help in return. A truly humble person recognizes their own faults and weaknesses. They will help someone simply because that person needs the help, not because it will bring them any direct reward, but because they know they may need help someday, too. They will help because they are hoping that is what the person they will need help from will do.

I’m not sure where this post comes from or where it’s going–or if I’m even making sense. I suppose it comes from the fact that even though I have a goal of self reliance, I’m still not making the progress I wish I were. I could very well be asking help from people who I can do very little for. It will not be easy. But I will need to do it all the same. Sometimes one needs to be more reliant before you can become self reliant, perhaps.