Category Archives: Social / Emotional

The area of self-reliance dealing with our interactions with others and our ability to cope with the pressures of life.

The Wisdom of Crowds

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I mentioned before that I’m beginning a new business venture with some friends. Though certainly there are drawbacks to going into business with others, there are also some advantages. One of the biggest is the law of averages. On any given day one of us is bound to be panicked just a bit, but the other are able to keep us on an even keel. Without others to watch my back I’d probably have thrown my hands in the air and walked away a long time ago. Starting a business is stressful.

I believe it’s important to choose business partners you get along with and can have fun with. More importantly, however, you should be able to communicate. Every partner needs to feel valued and respected. If one partner is afraid to speak up you could be missing some valuable insights and ideas. At the same time, unless everyone can really handle it, it’s best to avoid a no-holds-barred, speak-whatever-enters-your-mind type situation as well. Group dynamics are important, but I suspect most groups fail to take the time to really build a cohesive group.

It’s easy to assume that because we’re all adults we should all be able to get along. But really, “adult” is such a broad category, that’s even less useful than saying all white people behave alike or all cats do such-n-such. People do not behave or think the way we think they do. We really only have ourselves to judge by, and chances are there are few people who think just the same way we do. And perhaps if you do find such a person, you should not go into business with them. You’ll both fail to see the same pitfalls.

We’ve probably all heard at one time or another about the four phases of group development: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing. There is no guarantee a group will ever get past Forming or Storming, really. With a group of friends they may never even realize that there is any storming going on, let alone really do anything to move beyond it. It’s too easy to take one another for granted.

I’m not sure where this is going, other than to emphasize the importance of social self reliance. We really do need to know how to get along with people if we are to succeed in life. It’s not the easiest ability to develop, but it can be critical in so many different situations. Unless, of course, you’re a hermit, which is not the brand of self reliance we preach here. 😉

Self reliance, humility, and charity

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As I’ve said before, I don’t think some people’s idea of self reliance can be achieved. I don’t think we will ever get to the point where we don’t need anyone else for anything. There are people who do it, to be sure, but I don’t think that’s really a goal for most of us. I have no intention of becoming a hermit just to be able to say I am completely self reliant.

There is another down side to taking self reliance too far. I believe the common term for this is “pride”. Knowing you should be able to do everything by and for yourself does not automatically bestow the ability to do everything yourself. At some point every one of us may and will need help. We will likely need to go ask for that help, no matter how hard that may be for us.

Asking for help can be easier when we have something to offer the other person in return. It’s another matter entirely when we have nothing the other person needs and it is unlikely we ever will. At that point we have little option but to rely on that person’s kindness. And that can be a very difficult thing to do, especially when you have been working toward, and perhaps even priding yourself on, self reliance. It can be so difficult that some people would rather just do without rather than ask for help, regardless of the consequences.

That is the point where self reliance becomes dangerous. When we sell ourselves so much on an ideal that we refuse to accept reality, we run a great risk.

Humility is the only antidote. We must realize that we cannot do everything ourselves. We can come close to that, but we have our limits. I can’t perform brain surgery on myself. I can’t rebuild an engine, even assuming I had the parts. I can’t control the weather. There will always be some aspect of my life that is beyond my control.

At some point we will need the help of someone else, or we will fail. Humility is what helps us put survival ahead of pride. It’s what helps us ask the help of someone who has no obligation to help us. And, incidentally, it is what will move that person to help you.

Just because you may not have anything to offer that person does not mean they are not aware of their own shortcomings. They may very well realize that they will likely need someone else’s help some day, even if that person has no need of help in return. A truly humble person recognizes their own faults and weaknesses. They will help someone simply because that person needs the help, not because it will bring them any direct reward, but because they know they may need help someday, too. They will help because they are hoping that is what the person they will need help from will do.

I’m not sure where this post comes from or where it’s going–or if I’m even making sense. I suppose it comes from the fact that even though I have a goal of self reliance, I’m still not making the progress I wish I were. I could very well be asking help from people who I can do very little for. It will not be easy. But I will need to do it all the same. Sometimes one needs to be more reliant before you can become self reliant, perhaps.

Self reliance vs. fostering self reliance in others

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Tonight I was reminded again that self reliance, while a worthy goal, is sometimes at cross purposes with other values I hold to. As a Christian, I also believe in looking out for my fellow man. While I do not believe in just giving a man a fish, I sometimes may need to allow a man to fish in my pond. Allow me to explain.

There is a person in our church who supports his family by cleaning buildings, mowing lawns, painting houses, and any other odd jobs he can find. He works hard–a lot harder than I do, most likely. He knows how to fish, so to speak, but then so do I. Very little of what he does is something that I can’t do for myself.

Self reliance says I should hold on to my money by doing those tasks myself. My Christian values say I should reward this man’s industriousness by paying him to do some work for me, at least now and then. Which one wins when my values clash in such a manner? Which one should win?

Right now it’s not an issue. I don’t have the money to pay him, because I am still struggling to support my family. My business, while showing some signs of progress, is not yet putting our bank balance on a positive trajectory. But someday I will have enough money to meet my family’s needs and perhaps some to spare. At what point do I decide that while I can take care of my lawn myself, it is my Christian duty to give this man the opportunity to do it for me and thus allow him to take care of his family?

Technically, self reliance doesn’t mean you  have to do everything for yourself, you just need to know how to do as much yourself as makes sense. Should I ever fall on hard times again I’m pretty sure I won’t have forgotten how to mow my own lawn. I doubt I’ll have thrown away my mower. But since my my desire to please my God is more important to me than my self reliance, I suspect I need to be taking a careful look at my finances as my business becomes more and more successful. At some point I will need to switch over from securing my own self reliance to helping others achieve it for themselves.

 

My self-reliance project

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These last few weeks I have been struggling a bit with life in general. This weekend I spent some time soul-searching, scripture-searching, and just generally thinking. It occurred to me that self-reliance is more than just getting your finances and food storage in order. There is spiritual, emotional, and social self-reliance as well. And it occurred to me that in many ways I still have a long way to go toward being self-reliant.

So I’m going to start a project. Within a year I want to have a thoroughly mapped-out plan for personal self-reliance, and I want to have made significant progress in each area.

To kick it all off, I’m going back to the source. Well, one of them, anyway. Today I checked out Thoreau’s “Walden” from the library. It should be a good starting point, anyway.

So stay tuned. I’ll be posting more soon as I contemplate just what I’m getting myself in for here.